Nervous System
When your kiddos are rude, talk back or act out, see this as a sign of their nervous system. Try to see it as not being ‘about you’, but rather as a message - that they need your help regulating their system.
When you stay regulated yourself and don’t take these things personally, you can then lend your children your calm, allowing them to co-regulate. This is not always easy to do, but is most certainly a worthwhile practice.
For example, if your child gets in the car after school and immediately hits their brother or demands, “Don’t look at me!”, this tells you they are ‘off’, overwhelmed, having uncomfortable feelings and/or exhausted. And, they need your support.
Perhaps some time, space, quiet, maybe even movement - to come back to themselves.
If they suddenly react by yelling something like, “Stop telling me what to do, Mom! It’s so annoying!”, and you remain even and steady in your response, you message to them that their dysregulation doesn’t cause yours. You can be empathetic, knowing now that their system is off. Then, you can work to take care of yourself (and calmly set a boundary, if need be).
When you stay regulated when your kiddo is not, your child feels safe. You then are the container, which is exactly what they need.
Remember, behaviors are how kids communicate. The tone of their voice is a sign of their nervous system and not a reflection of their respect for you. Notice this and meet them there, with both compassion and support.
